Setting boundaries is an important skill to learn that helps with mental health and wellness, and allows you to maintain a healthy relationship with other people. Setting boundaries means that you express your thoughts and feelings clearly, while respecting the thoughts and feelings of others. From my perspective as a therapist at Strive On Counseling, in this post, I'll cover how to set boundaries with friends, family members, coworkers, and more!
What does it mean to set boundaries?
Setting boundaries with people is a skill that anyone can practice. A boundary is an area in which you define how much space you allow another person to occupy in your life. It's not about them; it's about you, and the way that person makes you feel when they enter your physical or mental space.
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or mental (or any combination of these). They may be personal (“I can’t help you with this thing because I don’t have the resources”) or professional ("I don't answer calls from clients outside normal business hours"). They may be flexible: "It would help me if we could agree on a maximum number of times per day I'm expected to check my email." Boundaries can even be rigid: "I will never speak with anyone who has been convicted of domestic abuse."
It is always up to you what your boundaries are, and the guideline is always whether you feel like you can be physically and emotionally healthy without these boundaries. Just because someone is a family member, for example, doesn’t mean you can’t have a boundary.
How do I know if I need to set boundaries?
It is important to set boundaries with people when you feel like you are being taken advantage of, your mental health is suffering, or you are not receiving what you need.
Here are some examples of when it might be time to set a boundary:
You feel anxious or stressed out more frequently around that person.
You don't have enough time for yourself and your own needs because you are busy taking care of others' needs first.
Someone asks too much from you repeatedly and doesn’t offer enough in return.
It feels like you are being taken advantage of.
Someone tries to insert themselves into your life in inappropriate ways.
Someone feels like a negative influence on your life.
How do I set boundaries?
The first step is to evaluate your situation and determine what boundaries you need to set. I always like to start with the question, “If I could say anything I wanted to this person and not have to worry about how they receive it, what would I want to say?” (Don’t actually say this to them!). That will help you realize what you feel, what you want to say, and what your boundaries need to be.
From there you can edit your words and decide how you want to present it to them in a way that will be effective. Consider what needs of yours are not being met in this relationship, and what you wish the other person would understand about your experience. Boundaries should have a concrete request that you are asking of the person, such as “I would request that you only speak with me when you have not been drinking alcohol.” A helpful format to use when presenting boundaries is nonviolent communication.
What is non-violent communication?
Non-violent communication is a way of communicating that is respectful, honest and clear. It’s a way of listening to others with empathy and understanding. It’s also a way of speaking about your feelings in a way that does not blame or judge the other person for how you are feeling.
On the surface, non-violent communication may sound like it just involves being nice to people; however, there is much more involved than just being nice. In fact, it may be helpful for you to think of non-violent communication as an attitude or mindset.
Key Components of Non-Violent Communication:
Observations -
We state objective observations about the relationship, the other person, and/or ourselves. Specifically this is where we want to state the behaviors or actions of the other person that we find difficult. For example, “I have noticed that sometimes you use words like ‘stupid’ and ‘crazy’ when describing me or my decisions.”
Feelings -
We state clearly how we feel emotionally and/or physiologically. For example, “It makes me feel really hurt and insecure, and sometimes even makes me so upset that I lose my appetite.”
Needs -
We attempt to appeal to the other person’s common humanity by expressing that we are a person who has needs just like them. For example, “I have a need to feel supported by my family members and to have autonomy to make my own decisions in life.”
Requests -
This is where we clearly state what we would like from the other person, aka our boundaries. For example, “I would request that you not use any name-calling or critical language when talking to or about me.”
If we put all four together, our example would go something like, “I have noticed that sometimes you use words like ‘stupid’ and ‘crazy’ when describing me or my decisions. It makes me feel really hurt and insecure, and sometimes even makes me so upset that I lose my appetite. I have a need to feel supported by my family members and to have autonomy to make my own decisions in life. I would request that you not use any name-calling or critical language when talking to or about me.”
Remember that you are not responsible for the emotions of others.
You can't control what other people think and feel, so there's no need to take responsibility for what someone else does or feels. You are responsible for your own actions, feelings and thoughts—so focus on those alone!
It’s also important to remember that just because someone has a different opinion from yours doesn’t mean they are bad or wrong. In fact, it's often good to have different opinions as it helps us learn more about each other and think outside our own box! Likewise, don’t let anyone invalidate your own lived experience or attack you just because you feel or believe differently.
How to hold the boundaries you set.
When setting boundaries with people who respect them (and those who don't), it might be good to start small: maybe just asking your younger brother not to call you at work anymore when he doesn't really need anything urgent (you'll still love him). Then work up towards bigger things like asking your boss not to bother you after hours unless there's something really important going on.
The more consistently that people respect your decisions around boundaries, the easier it will become for those around them know what they can expect from one another in terms of respecting each other's time/space needs (that means no more worrying about whether or not someone needs help—they'll let us know!)
Techniques for Maintaining Boundaries:
Broken record technique:
Let’s face it- few people will immediately and permanently respect a boundary from the moment you set it. The broken record technique is an invaluable tool that allows you to continually re-state your boundaries in a simple, but firm way. For example, “I’m sorry boss, but we’ve spoken about this and I am not comfortable discussing my dating life with you.”
Being assertive:
Contrary to what some people thing, assertiveness is not aggressive. It is actually right in the middle between passive and aggressive. That means that being assertive does require stepping on anyone’s toes, raising your voice, or making them feel attacked. It means being simple, clear, and concise when stating your boundaries and doing your best not to resort to arguing (it happens to the best of us). Stand up for yourself always, but remember it’s typically not effective to bully someone into following your boundaries.
Create consequences:
If someone violates your boundaries, come up with reasonable and logically related consequences to reinforce your boundary. For example, if the boss cited in the first bullet point keeps inquiring about your dating life, you might go to HR. Or maybe you would request there always be a third party present when you speak. Or you might request that conversations not happen in person. If it continues to happen and things escalate, you might let the boss know you are consulting with a lawyer. What would NOT be a logical consequence would be to hire a private investigator to dig up your bosses secrets and publish them to everyone he knows.
Cut people off:
Sometimes there’s just no getting around it. If you feel like you have no choice but to cut someone out of your life because they have too much negative impact on you, do it! Even if they are a close family member, sometimes there is just no other choice when people are incapable of respecting the boundaries you set. While we should be judicious about cutting people our of our life, we also shouldn’t feel bad if we’ve tried other methods and the only remaining choice is to break off contact with that person.
Setting boundaries is a healthy way to protect both your physical and mental health!
Setting boundaries is a healthy way to protect both your physical and mental health. In fact, there are several reasons you should set boundaries with people:
People who assert their own needs tend to have better mental health.
Boundaries can lead to better self-esteem.
You might find a greater sense of independence and autonomy.
You could gain more free time to focus on self-care, or things that are meaningful to you.
You will feel safer and more peaceful when people are respecting your boundaries and/or no longer in your life.
There is less chance of experiencing burnout or resentment when your boundaries are clear.
Conclusion
Remember that you are not responsible for the emotions of others. You can only control your own actions and reactions, but hopefully this guide has helped you to set some boundaries with people who have been taking advantage of your good nature. Setting boundaries can be challenging at first, but once you get into the habit of saying no when necessary, it will become second nature! And don't forget: setting firm boundaries can help protect both your physical and mental health!
Other Mental Health Services Available at Strive On Counseling
As Asheville therapists, we understand that every individual has a unique set of mental health needs. Therefore, we offer many services and forms of therapy. More specifically, our services include individual counseling, anxiety treatment, EMDR trauma therapy, therapy for men’s issues, mindfulness, Buddhist counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy, teletherapy / online therapy. Some other resources we offer include guided meditations, supplements, a list of books and other useful resources, and online courses. If you would like more information about any of these services, please reach out today, and start doing therapy in North Carolina!