The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many people, it can trigger stress, anxiety, and even sadness. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling more overwhelmed than excited during the holidays, you’re not alone. For some, the holiday season can bring up painful memories and emotions tied to past trauma, making the festivities anything but festive.
What are some of the reasons holiday stress and past trauma often go hand in hand? And what can you do to cope with the emotional weight that this time of year may bring?
The Holiday Expectations vs. Reality
One of the reasons the holiday season can feel overwhelming is the overarching societal expectations surrounding it. From movies to advertisements, we’re bombarded with images of perfect families gathered around tables laden with food, people exchanging thoughtful gifts, and everyone in a state of bliss. The reality, however, is often much messier.
For those with a history of trauma, ranging from experiences of childhood abuse/neglect, the loss of a loved one, or past relationship struggles, the holidays can introduce painful reminders of such experiences. Family gatherings, for example, might trigger unresolved emotions, bringing back memories of conflict, neglect, or even abuse. The very idea of "family togetherness" may feel more like an emotional pressure cooker than a source of comfort.
When we expect perfection and tradition during the holiday season, it can create a stark contrast with the reality of our current emotional state. This dissonance can cause significant stress, especially for those already dealing with mental health challenges or unresolved trauma.
Family Dynamics and Unresolved Conflict
For many, the holidays mean family gatherings—and for some, that’s where old wounds are reopened. If your family history includes conflict, dysfunction, or trauma, spending time together can bring up feelings of anger, resentment, or hurt. For example, you might feel triggered by a certain family member's behavior or words, or perhaps old unresolved issues resurface during moments of tension. If you've experienced trauma (whether emotional, physical, or sexual) within the family, the very presence of certain relatives or the act of spending time together can bring back memories of those painful experiences. The stress of navigating family dynamics, especially when old patterns are at play, can trigger a fight-or-flight response, making you feel on edge or emotionally overwhelmed.
Grief and Loss
The holidays are also a time when the absence of loved ones is felt more acutely. Grief can be a stark reminder of what’s missing, deepening feelings of sadness or longing. It’s common for trauma survivors to have complicated feelings about grief. Perhaps you never had the opportunity to properly process your grief, or maybe there are unresolved feelings of guilt, anger, or confusion. These complex, and sometimes conflicting, emotions can resurface with a vengeance when you’re surrounded by reminders of happier times or expectations that everyone should be joyful.
Increased Expectations and Pressure
The pressure to be "happy" during the holidays can be particularly intense for those with past trauma. You might feel like you should be grateful for the time with family. That you should be buying the "perfect" gift for your loved ones. You should be pulling off hosting a flawless holiday gathering. All these expectations can be overwhelming when you’re already struggling emotionally. These added pressures can feel like a trigger, activating old survival mechanisms like perfectionism, people-pleasing, or emotional numbness to help you to survive. You may find yourself isolating, withdrawing, or even becoming defensive or irritable as a way of coping with the overwhelming demands.
Sensory Triggers
The sights, sounds, and smells of the holiday season—twinkling lights, festive music, crowded malls—can all become sensory triggers for people with trauma. For some, specific sounds or smells can trigger memories of past abuse or painful experiences. Even something as innocent as the scent of pine or the sound of a particular holiday song can stir up deep emotions. These sensory triggers can cause feelings of distress, panic, or dissociation. The holidays, with their overabundance of sensory stimuli, can inadvertently become a minefield for those trying to manage their trauma symptoms.
The Psychological Mechanisms at Play
Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories; it can be stored in our bodies and minds, influencing our reactions to stress and our emotional experiences. When we’re reminded of past pain—whether by a holiday gathering, family conflict, or even the change in season—it can trigger the body’s stress response system, which is rooted in the fight, flight, or freeze mechanism.
For people who have experienced trauma, the holiday season can become a period of heightened anxiety, depression, or reactivity because our body and mind are subconsciously trying to protect us from feelings of harm, fear, or loss. These automatic responses—anxiety, irritability, hypervigilance, emotional numbness—can surface more frequently when we’re in situations that resemble the stressors of our past.
Coping with Holiday Stress and Trauma Triggers
Set Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries with family, friends, and even yourself is one of the most important tools for managing holiday stress. If certain situations, people, or activities trigger trauma-related stress, it’s okay to say no or step away. Whether it’s limiting time spent at family gatherings or deciding not to engage in certain holiday traditions, honoring your emotional needs is key. For example, if you find large family gatherings overwhelming, you could arrange to attend for a shorter period of time or decide to skip them entirely. Don’t feel pressured to meet others' expectations at the cost of your own well-being.
If certain holiday traditions are too painful or triggering, consider changing them. Create new rituals that feel comforting and safe for you. This could be something as simple as watching your favorite movie, making a special meal, or spending time in nature instead of attending big family gatherings.
Practice Self-Compassion & Mindfulness
It’s easy to be hard on yourself when you’re not feeling as festive or happy as everyone else. But practicing self-compassion is a way to counter the harsh inner critic that often arises in response to trauma. Remind yourself that it’s okay to not feel okay, and you don’t need to force yourself into a joyful holiday spirit. Take time for self-care—whether it’s a quiet walk, reading a favorite book, or journaling your feelings. You don’t have to meet anyone else’s standard of holiday cheer.
Practicing mindfulness can help you stay grounded in the present rather than getting lost in painful memories or worries about the future. Techniques like deep breathing, guided meditations, or simply taking a moment to check in with your body can help you stay centered.
Seek Support
Whether it's talking to a therapist, confiding in a trusted friend, or joining a support group, having someone to talk to can provide a sense of relief. Expressing your feelings and acknowledging that your struggles are valid can reduce the isolation that trauma survivors often feel during the holidays. Professional support, such as therapy focused on trauma (e.g., Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or EMDR), can be especially helpful during this time of year, helping you process difficult emotions and build resilience for the future.
The holidays can bring up complicated emotions for many people, and for those with past trauma, the season may feel particularly difficult. The pressure to fit into the picture-perfect holiday narrative, coupled with the resurfacing of painful memories and family dynamics, can contribute to significant stress. Remember, it’s okay to have mixed feelings about the holidays. You’re not obligated to conform to others' expectations. By setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, seeking support, and adjusting traditions to meet your needs, you can navigate the holiday season in a way that prioritizes your mental health and emotional healing.
Start Working with A Therapist in Asheville, NC
Online trauma therapy in North Carolina can help you manage the stressful holiday season. Whether you're navigating family dynamics, coping with loss, or managing seasonal anxiety, a therapist can provide support and strategies tailored to your needs. Don’t hesitate to seek help; taking this step can lead to a more fulfilling and peaceful holiday experience. Remember, your mental health matters, and you deserve to feel your best during this special time. Take the first step with our team of caring therapists at Strive On Counseling today by following these simple steps:
Meet with a compassionate therapist
Begin your journey to healing and relief!
Other Services Offered by Strive On Counseling
At Strive On Counseling, we understand that anxiety and depression are just one part of a larger picture of mental health. That’s why we offer a range of mental health services designed to support your overall well-being. In addition to online trauma therapy, our services include individual counseling, anxiety treatment, EMDR trauma therapy, therapy for men’s issues, mindfulness practices, Buddhist counseling, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and teletherapy/online therapy. Some other resources we offer include guided meditations, a list of books and other useful resources, and online courses. If you would like more information about any of these services, please don’t hesitate to reach out and start your therapy journey in North Carolina today!