1. Don’t get burned by expectations.
I recently went through a big change by moving to a new city. A part of me expected the transition to be difficult, but I recognized the tendency to predict the future and worked to let it go. The transition turned out to be smooth, and despite some basic logistical stressors and missing my friends and family, it was pretty painless. Clinging to positive expectations can be just as bad- if things don’t go how we hoped we are left disappointed, and then we don’t have a plan in place for how to cope. The key to letting go of expectations is practicing staying present. When you catch your mind going into the future, label that in your mind as “expectations” or “fortune telling” and redirect it back to what’s in front of you. Alternatively you can redirect your mind onto some constructive planning for dealing with the situation.
2. Plan effectively.
There is such a thing as too much planning, into the realm of trying to over-control an outcome, or ruminating too much on what could go wrong. On the other hand, too little planning sets you up for failure. I suggest identifying the top 3 problems or issues that you might be presented with (which can be practical problems or internal problems), and brainstorming ideas for how to address them. Try to assess what tools you have and plan ahead for how to cope if/when the issue arises. Check out this DBT worksheet to use on problem-solving.
3. Lean on people.
Humans are not meant to do everything ourselves. We are a tribal species and therefore need others to help us regulate our emotions and get through things. Think about who you have that you can reach out to, and think about what would be most helpful. Do you just want them to listen to a problem and say “That sucks”? Do you want advice from them? Do you want to connect with them about something else to help you gain perspective? Get to know yourself in relation to other people, and learn what works and what doesn’t in different situations.
4. Take care of the basics.
Sleep, nutrition, exercise, hydration, hobbies, self-care - we tend to let these slip in difficult times, but in fact they make up the bedrock of physical and mental health. When facing change, it is that much more important to make sure these are all being addressed adequately. Check in and ask yourself how you’re doing, and if there is anything you can improve.
5. Drop the struggle!
Acceptance is an overused and often misunderstood word, but I really like Russ Harris’s definition: acceptance is dropping the struggle with reality. When things are not going our way, or when we face challenges, we tend to want to fight to make things the way we want them to be. Sometimes this results in struggling with our feelings, thoughts, experiences, and behaviors. Instead, we can practice dropping the struggle, and accepting the aspects of our situation which we do not have control over. The first step is trying to notice when we are fighting reality. From there, relax your body, check in with your breathing, and open up to allow the experience to be as it is. If there is constructive action that needs to be taken, do it from this place, rather than from the struggle. When we do this, we almost always come out of the situation stronger and more resilient. Check out this video for some more insight on this: