“You are your own worst critic” is a popular saying that can help us navigate the fear of judgment; but how can we stop judging ourselves? A common theme among us is the tendency to judge ourselves harshly. We don’t let our mistakes go. We think we could have done better. We carry guilt and shame that weighs on us for years, taking a toll on our emotional well-being. There is a practice called Mindful Self Compassion that might help.
Defining Mindful Self-Compassion
So what is it? Let’s break it down by defining mindfulness and self-compassion separately. Mindfulness is a state of active and non-judgmental awareness of the present moment. It involves paying attention to our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without labeling them as good or bad. Self-compassion is the practice of extending kindness, understanding, and care toward oneself, particularly during difficult or challenging times. It involves treating ourselves as we would treat a good friend who is suffering, rather than engaging in self-criticism or self-judgment. Putting it together, Mindful Self Compassion can be defined as intentionally being kind to ourselves.
Research has shown that practicing self-compassion can
Reduce stress and anxiety
Increase emotional resilience
Enhance self-acceptance and self-love
Improve relationships (with self and others)
Three Components of Self Compassion
Three essential components of self-compassion have been outlined by Dr. Christopher K. Germer and Dr. Kristin Neff:
Mindfulness: Recognize that you are struggling or experiencing difficult emotions. Acknowledge your pain or suffering without judgment. Cultivating present-moment awareness, observing our thoughts and emotions without judgment, and accepting them with a sense of compassion and understanding.
Common Humanity: Remind yourself that everyone experiences pain and imperfection. You are not alone in your struggles.
Self-Kindness: Offer yourself words of comfort and care. Speak to yourself as you would to a dear friend in need, offering understanding, encouragement, and support.
Putting it into Practice
The components outlined above can be applied to situations in which we might normally judge ourselves. For example, let’s say you were away from the house all day and you come home to a sink full of dishes that your partner left. You yell at them for being so messy all the time. Later that night, you apologize to your partner for yelling, but you lay in bed thinking “I am so mean. My partner isn’t going to want to be with me because I am so cruel. I can’t believe I yelled at them.”
Now let’s take the same situation and apply mindful self-compassion. Going through each component of self-compassion, the situation might be framed like this: When I got home for the day I was feeling exhausted; I saw a sink full of dishes and felt angry that my partner didn’t do them (Mindfulness). I know I am not alone in having less patience when I am tired and I know a lot of couples struggle with conflict around household chores (Common Humanity). I ran out of patience at that moment, but I am not a mean person. It’s okay to forgive myself (Self-Kindness).
A Word of Caution
Ironically, when people start to give Mindful Self Compassion a try, they often judge themselves. Although these concepts sound simple, they can actually be really hard to implement. Often people find the third component, self-kindness, to be particularly challenging. Be gentle with yourself and remember that it is a practice. It takes time to change our automatic responses. Even people who have been practicing Mindful Self Compassion for years still judge themselves sometimes. It’s about catching self-judgment and responding in a compassionate way.
Mindful Self-Compassion is a practice that can help us embrace our imperfections and treat ourselves with the same care and kindness we would offer to others. By embracing the principles of mindfulness and self-compassion, we can develop a healthier relationship with ourselves and others, leading to a more fulfilling and contented life. Therapy is a great place to hone in on a self-compassion practice. You might also consider looking into books written by Dr. Christopher K. Germer and Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading experts on self-compassion.
Begin Working With An Asheville Mental Health Therapist
Learning to build self-compassion can be difficult without previous practice. If you're struggling with realizing mindfulness practices and creating a healthy relationship with yourself, our team would be happy to offer support from our Asheville, NC-based practice. Follow these simple steps to start your therapy journey:
Meet with a caring therapist
Start recognizing how great you are!
Other Services Offered with Strive On Counseling
The team at Strive On Counseling knows that you may experience more than one mental health concern at a time. This is why we are happy to offer many forms of therapy. These services include individual counseling, EMDR trauma therapy, therapy for men’s issues, mindfulness, Buddhist counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy, and teletherapy/online therapy. Other services offered include anxiety therapy, guided meditations, supplements, a list of books and other useful resources, and online courses. If you would like more information about any of these services, please reach out today, and start doing therapy in North Carolina!