Trauma shapes us in ways we often don’t realize until much later. When we experience emotional or psychological wounds, our minds and bodies develop coping mechanisms to protect us from further hurt. In fact, two common coping responses that trauma survivors may exhibit are perfectionism and people-pleasing. While both behaviors may appear to some to be harmless or even admirable, they often have deep roots in unresolved pain and can quietly undermine our mental health in profound ways.
Understanding Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
Perfectionism often manifests as a relentless drive to be flawless in all areas of life. It can look like constantly striving for success, avoiding mistakes at all costs, or setting impossibly high standards for oneself. At its core, perfectionism is often a reaction to feelings of inadequacy or fear of rejection. It’s a way of trying to gain control over a chaotic world or over feelings of unworthiness.
People-pleasing is the tendency to prioritize others’ needs above your own in order to gain approval, avoid conflict, or feel loved. It’s often driven by the fear of being rejected, abandoned, or judged. People-pleasers often say “yes” to requests even when they don’t have the capacity or desire to do so because they feel responsible for keeping others happy; even at the expense of their own well-being.
How Trauma Leads to Perfectionism
Traumatic experiences can create feelings of powerlessness and loss of control, which can become pervasive and negatively define our sense of self. For some, perfectionism becomes a way to regain lost control, believing that if everything is done “just right,” there will be no threat of criticism or failure. This could stem from childhood experiences where you were praised only for being "perfect" or where mistakes led to harsh consequences, making you feel as though you had to earn love and acceptance through flawless performance. You might often feel that you have to prove your worth by achieving success or meeting high expectations. This can create a never-ending cycle of striving without satisfaction, leading to burnout, anxiety, and depression.
Signs of Perfectionism include:
An aversion or fear of making mistakes.
Setting unrealistic goals or standards for yourself.
Procrastination due to fear of failure.
An inability to accept compliments or feel proud of your achievements.
A sense of never being “good enough” despite success.
How Trauma Leads to People-Pleasing
When you experience trauma (e.g. emotional abuse or neglect), especially within relationships, it can lead to a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear often drives the need to please others in order to secure love, approval, or safety. If you grew up in an environment where love or affection was conditional on how well you met others’ needs or expectations, you may have learned to suppress your own feelings in order to keep the peace and avoid upsetting others.
People-pleasers often feel they are not allowed to say “no,” because doing so may result in the rejection or criticism of others. They may become passive in relationships with others; not communicating or asserting their emotional experiences or preferences. As a result, their self-worth becomes intertwined with others’ happiness. Over time, this pattern can lead to feelings of resentment, anxiety, and exhaustion, as they continually put others before themselves.
Signs of People-Pleasing include:
Difficulty saying “no” even when it’s necessary for your well-being.
Consistently putting others’ needs ahead of your own or self-abandonment
A strong desire to be liked or accepted by others, even at your own expense.
Fear of conflict or tension, often avoiding difficult conversations.
Feeling drained or resentful for giving too much of yourself to others.
How to Heal and Find Balance
Both perfectionism and people-pleasing are coping strategies that served to protect you during times of emotional vulnerability. However, when left unchecked, these patterns can become problematic by preventing you from living a fulfilling, balanced life. Healing requires understanding the root causes of these behaviors and giving yourself comfort and permission to let go of the need for control and external validation.
Here are a few ways to begin to heal:
Acknowledge the Trauma: Understanding how trauma shaped your need for perfection or approval is the first step. You don’t need to have all the answers right away, but acknowledging the link between your behaviors and past pain can help you start to break free from these patterns.
Set Boundaries: Learning to say “no” and prioritize your own needs is key to healing from people-pleasing. Start small—say “no” to something that feels uncomfortable but necessary. You don’t have to explain or justify your decisions to others.
Challenge Your Inner Critic: For perfectionists, your inner critic can be brutal. Begin to challenge negative thoughts by asking yourself if they’re rooted in reality or if they’re products of trauma. Adopt a growth mindset; replace perfectionistic standards with achievable and kind goals.
Practice Self-Compassion: Both perfectionists and people-pleasers often struggle with self-acceptance. Learn to treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would offer a loved one. Recognize that it’s okay to make mistakes or disappoint others—it doesn’t diminish your worth.
Seek Support: Therapy or support groups can provide a safe space to explore how trauma has impacted your mental health. A therapist can help you unravel the connection between trauma, perfectionism, and people-pleasing while teaching healthier coping strategies.
If you or someone you know is struggling, remember that it’s never too late to ask for help. There’s no shame in seeking support — it’s a courageous step toward a healthier and more fulfilling life. If you are interested in learning more or ready to take the first step toward improving your mental health, you can start your therapy journey with Strive On Counseling by following these simple steps:
Meet with a compassionate therapist
Begin your journey to healing and relief!
Other Services Offered by Strive On Counseling
At Strive On Counseling, we understand that trauma is just one part of a larger picture of mental health. That’s why we offer a range of mental health services designed to support your overall well-being. In addition to online trauma therapy, our services include individual counseling, anxiety treatment, EMDR trauma therapy, therapy for men’s issues, mindfulness practices, Buddhist counseling, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and teletherapy/online therapy. Some other resources we offer include guided meditations, a list of books and other useful resources, and online courses. If you would like more information about any of these services, please don’t hesitate to reach out and start your therapy journey in North Carolina today!